Dear Gin,
I have recently found a nice older gentleman willing to take care of me. I thought to myself, "Self, this is too good to be true." Upon arriving at work the following day it hit me-- he was already the bill man for one of my co-workers. I knew she really gets "bent out of shape" by this man, but I need my bills paid too! This "lady" is a friend of mine, but she is old, engaged to someone else, and can pay her own bills! Should I stop pursuing this man?
Sincerely,
Bend it Like Beckham
Dear Bend it Like Beckham,
When you say "older" just how old are we talking? You know Gin doesn't care for the older man. (Boring, bald, saggy.) Why are you looking for someone to pay your bills? Are you a cripple? Are you one of those lazy types who ride around on a Hover Round? Gin believes a lady always pays her own bills, no matta' what. I'm not saying don't entertain a wealthy gentleman, but pay yo' own damn bills! And your friend sounds like anything but a lady! Do you mean to tell me she has two men payin' her bills? I'm sorry, but your friend sounds like a whore. A lazy whore. And they are the worst kind! So let's say you do want to pursue this gentleman, because I will assume he has more going for him than his willingness to pay electric bills and whatnot--what would happen if you told your friend? She is engaged, you mentioned. So as a spoken for lady, she should want happiness for you, because that's what friends want. Especially if they are a "lady." But my wild guess is that the trifling lazy whore, might try to sabotage your new found happiness. Am I right? So where does that leave you? Now your bills aren't paid for, the gentleman has gone back to paying the lazy whore's bills, and now you don't have your friendship with your friend. So let's think of a new plan of action. It's easy really, have a garage sale for extra cash and pour yourself a cocktail. I don't know what else to say.
Cheers!
Gin
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Eat and be Merry!
Dear Gin,
I am writing to you in regards to the event that has changed my life drastically over the last few months. It is hard for me to put into words what it is like to be brought up and raised to believe one thing, and then to be bombarded with harsh words later on in life, as a young and educated adult when you find out that everything you believed to be true is not. So I ask you, Gin, to please help me as I struggle to find answers. Please Gin, and fellow readers, tell me what the proper pronunciation of CAULIFLOUR is, as many fellow foodies, friends, have informed me that it is actually pronounced CAUL-EEEEE-FLOWER instead of CAUL-FLOWER. We do not say CALYfornia when referring to the state, we do not say FLOREYDA, when referring to my home land, well, unless you are from Jersey, in which case, you don't count. Is it true, that we, as mid-western Americans have been led to believe that we are the only ones who pronounce this color-less vegetable correctly, and that the rest of the world gets far too excited about the vegetable that will never be as beautiful or delicious as broccoli?
Thanks for your help,
Hungry for Cheesy Cauliflour, But Scared to Mis-Pronounce
Dearest Hungry for Cheesy Cauliflour, But Scared to Mis-Pronounce,
I am going to tell you two things I love about myself--I am a foodie and I have an an accent. Or in my own dialect, "Eye'm a feudie, and I hahy-ve an aaack-cent." I think both are quite beautiful things. I like fine foods, and I couldn't care less that my Midwestern/sometimes Northern accent, isn't the most desirable. My point is this, tah-may-toe, tah-mahh-toe--say what you want, and most importantly continue to be a foodie, and hang out with foodie friends even if they have a tendency to be pretentious and correct your English. People who know food are better than the rest of the world--certainly people from New Jersey, but also leaps and bounds better than people who eat Kraft singles and savor The Olive Garden. And don't give two thoughts to being lead down a tangle web of lies. I grew up on microwavable frozen Schwann's food, Speghetti-O's as a side dish to everything, raw meat, and the belief that I was allergic to chocolate. And now I grocery shop 78 times a week for the best ingredients available, never dine out at a chain, and indulge in chocolate no fewer than 89 times a day. Did I also mention I am a size 2? Just thought I'd throw that in for good measure.
Cheers,
Gin
I am writing to you in regards to the event that has changed my life drastically over the last few months. It is hard for me to put into words what it is like to be brought up and raised to believe one thing, and then to be bombarded with harsh words later on in life, as a young and educated adult when you find out that everything you believed to be true is not. So I ask you, Gin, to please help me as I struggle to find answers. Please Gin, and fellow readers, tell me what the proper pronunciation of CAULIFLOUR is, as many fellow foodies, friends, have informed me that it is actually pronounced CAUL-EEEEE-FLOWER instead of CAUL-FLOWER. We do not say CALYfornia when referring to the state, we do not say FLOREYDA, when referring to my home land, well, unless you are from Jersey, in which case, you don't count. Is it true, that we, as mid-western Americans have been led to believe that we are the only ones who pronounce this color-less vegetable correctly, and that the rest of the world gets far too excited about the vegetable that will never be as beautiful or delicious as broccoli?
Thanks for your help,
Hungry for Cheesy Cauliflour, But Scared to Mis-Pronounce
Dearest Hungry for Cheesy Cauliflour, But Scared to Mis-Pronounce,
I am going to tell you two things I love about myself--I am a foodie and I have an an accent. Or in my own dialect, "Eye'm a feudie, and I hahy-ve an aaack-cent." I think both are quite beautiful things. I like fine foods, and I couldn't care less that my Midwestern/sometimes Northern accent, isn't the most desirable. My point is this, tah-may-toe, tah-mahh-toe--say what you want, and most importantly continue to be a foodie, and hang out with foodie friends even if they have a tendency to be pretentious and correct your English. People who know food are better than the rest of the world--certainly people from New Jersey, but also leaps and bounds better than people who eat Kraft singles and savor The Olive Garden. And don't give two thoughts to being lead down a tangle web of lies. I grew up on microwavable frozen Schwann's food, Speghetti-O's as a side dish to everything, raw meat, and the belief that I was allergic to chocolate. And now I grocery shop 78 times a week for the best ingredients available, never dine out at a chain, and indulge in chocolate no fewer than 89 times a day. Did I also mention I am a size 2? Just thought I'd throw that in for good measure.
Cheers,
Gin
Monday, January 23, 2012
Clubs and Shots, not Books and Tots.
Dear Gin,
All of my friends all started having children at 15 and all have boyfriends now and since I am married they feel we should go on couples dates. But I hate those because all the want to do is go to dinner and talk about their kids, and honestly, I am not there yet. I couldn't care less about their kids, but I am trying hard to remain friends with them.
Sincerely,
Clubs and Shots, not Books and Tots.
Dear Clubs and Shots, not Books and Tots,
It makes me slightly nervous and scared that your friends started having babies at 15. But okay, chicken. I think dinners with long drawn out conversations about children is terribly boring no matter who you are. In fact, baby owners have a horrible habit of telling asinine details about the lives of their children to anyone who will listen. To us non baby owners this can be like nails on a chalk board if the conversation is one of three things: 1. Too long with no point. 2. Involving bodily functions and 3. a brag story about something very ordinary. For example, "my little person is the smartest thing ever, it just learned how to not poop it's pants." I am sure this shortened version of a typical 3 hour convo, is life changing to the parent. But that's why Lisa Frank invented diaries. Or other baby owners. As a single gal, I would never run up to this type of baby owner and tell a long detailed story about how great it was to go out with friends, drink several martini's, make out with a hipster who's into art, go home in the wee hours of the night to a perfectly clean home and luxurious bed sans baby puke, all while looking cute in leggin's as pants because my body hasn't gone to pot. I mean, I am more aware and sensitive than that.
So I say, don't hang out with anybody you don't want to, or engage in any activity that doesn't sound fun--for any reason.
Cheers,
Gin
All of my friends all started having children at 15 and all have boyfriends now and since I am married they feel we should go on couples dates. But I hate those because all the want to do is go to dinner and talk about their kids, and honestly, I am not there yet. I couldn't care less about their kids, but I am trying hard to remain friends with them.
Sincerely,
Clubs and Shots, not Books and Tots.
Dear Clubs and Shots, not Books and Tots,
It makes me slightly nervous and scared that your friends started having babies at 15. But okay, chicken. I think dinners with long drawn out conversations about children is terribly boring no matter who you are. In fact, baby owners have a horrible habit of telling asinine details about the lives of their children to anyone who will listen. To us non baby owners this can be like nails on a chalk board if the conversation is one of three things: 1. Too long with no point. 2. Involving bodily functions and 3. a brag story about something very ordinary. For example, "my little person is the smartest thing ever, it just learned how to not poop it's pants." I am sure this shortened version of a typical 3 hour convo, is life changing to the parent. But that's why Lisa Frank invented diaries. Or other baby owners. As a single gal, I would never run up to this type of baby owner and tell a long detailed story about how great it was to go out with friends, drink several martini's, make out with a hipster who's into art, go home in the wee hours of the night to a perfectly clean home and luxurious bed sans baby puke, all while looking cute in leggin's as pants because my body hasn't gone to pot. I mean, I am more aware and sensitive than that.
So I say, don't hang out with anybody you don't want to, or engage in any activity that doesn't sound fun--for any reason.
Cheers,
Gin
Friday, January 20, 2012
Office Party of One.
Dear Gin,
The office Christmas party got a little out of hand this year. I
stayed out way too late and drank far too many dirty martinis. At the
end of the night I shared a cab home with a co-worker because he lives
in my neighborhood. After flirting all night and far too much vodka I
decided it would be a good idea to invite him up to my apartment.
Things really took a wrong turn and he spent the night! I have kept it
quiet at work but he keeps texting me to hang out again. It has also
come to my attention that he may be "hooking-up" with another
co-worker as well...a girl I am pretty close with! What should I do?
Sincerely,
Too Much Office Christmas
Dearest Too Much Office Christmas,
I think any office party that serves alcohol is just asking for their employees to get a little "crazy," and potentially, "hook up." I mean, really. My office party took place at 3 in the afternoon on a Wednesday and all we were served was water or generic cola on the clock. But in turn, no one made sweet love to a co-worker. So yes, we should all have the will power to not cross lines that probably aren't for the best, but you also don't hang a banana in front of a monkey's face and expect it not to grab for it.
The office Christmas party got a little out of hand this year. I
stayed out way too late and drank far too many dirty martinis. At the
end of the night I shared a cab home with a co-worker because he lives
in my neighborhood. After flirting all night and far too much vodka I
decided it would be a good idea to invite him up to my apartment.
Things really took a wrong turn and he spent the night! I have kept it
quiet at work but he keeps texting me to hang out again. It has also
come to my attention that he may be "hooking-up" with another
co-worker as well...a girl I am pretty close with! What should I do?
Sincerely,
Too Much Office Christmas
Dearest Too Much Office Christmas,
I think any office party that serves alcohol is just asking for their employees to get a little "crazy," and potentially, "hook up." I mean, really. My office party took place at 3 in the afternoon on a Wednesday and all we were served was water or generic cola on the clock. But in turn, no one made sweet love to a co-worker. So yes, we should all have the will power to not cross lines that probably aren't for the best, but you also don't hang a banana in front of a monkey's face and expect it not to grab for it.
So the bigger question is how do we remedy the problem that already happened? The dirty was done after a dirty. (Or five.) I will assume that a budding romance that will lead to a life in holy matrimony was not created after the office party--so you need to nip it in the bud with brutal honesty. "Hey, male co-worker I made sweet love to with (probable) little recollection of, after the office Christmas party--that wasn't me. That was the martini vibing and jiving with you. I'm sober now (hopefully), and I have papers to file, holes to punch, and so do you. End of story. Speak about this with anyone, and I'll tell the Boss (insert elaborate lie)." And then make sure to follow up with behavior that drives your point home. Always look very busy and serious around the office. Even if this means shuffling blank papers or jotting down your grocery list on your business professional clipboard.
And for the love of God, just as one should never drink and drive, the same is true to drink with co-workers of the opposite sex. You need to able to sit in meetings and doodle mean spirited sketches of your co-workers, not doodle pictures of what your children would look like.
Cheers,
Gin
Good guy, seeking non-whore.
Dear Gin,
I am a 24 year old single male currently working on my degree in Biomedical Sciences pre-med. Every time I go out to the bar, to campus, or the mall, all I see and meet, are girls that say they are classy, want a nice guy that will treat them right but then, they go and only date douche bags. Therein lies the problem the girls call them selves classy and want a nice guy but when a guy treats them right they will not date them let alone give them the time of day. That would not bother me so much if I did not have to listen to them complain about how there last three boyfriends all cheated on them and treated them like shit. I admit it may just be a college girl age thing, I know there are real women that are classy out there. I just don't understand how after you get burned you would go right back to the same type of guy and expect something different. This is not to mention the girls that really maybe crazy thinking that there perfect guy is Edward from Twilight. I am really starting to think that something is wrong with today's girls. All that would be only a minor inconvenience if: when I asked girls that I know how i could look, act, do better at dating they did not try to make me into a douche bag, I don't want to be mean or an Asshole to women; I like them and don't want to hurt something I like. I know all the old lines it's because the Assholes and douche bags have confidence and are smooth. Well guess what nice guys are smooth and confident too they just don't come up to in the bar and grab your ass or give you some cheesy line, they ask you to dance or try to have a grounded and real conversation with you.
In short, I have four questions: One, are these girls beyond hope? if not how do we/ I knock some sense into them? Two, how did girls even get this way? and how do we/ I stop it? three were are the actual classy girls that ACTUALLY want a nice guy? and four are there enough dry martinis in the world to drowned out there incessant bitching?...lol
Sincerely,
Too much crazy for one guy
Dearest Too Much for One Crazy Guy,
First you must know, that being a lady is a lost art. She is not easy to find, but I promise you--she will stand out in a crowd. There are a few rare ones out there. Don't you give the time of day to any girl, who is going to drone on and on to you about her past boyfriends. Ick. What's wrong with her??--you save those convos for your girlfriends. And yes, there are many girls that like the bad boy, grab the ass at the bar, part vampire--I don't get it. It's totally disgusting. I say stay far away from this type. Which is very hard, because these stupid whores are everywhere. Here are a few quick ways to spot said girl, and run in the opposite direction: she is wearing summer clothes in the fall/winter. This could be tube tops and mini skirts. Also, dressy prom/stripper high heels worn in bars or clubs...or anywhere. Stay away from lucite (google it). A slight shimmer on the face is fine, pounds of glitter is just plain gross. Dancing is also fine, but not booty dancing with two drinks in hand. Check out her purse, is it dirty? I know it sounds superficial, but a dirty purse is a bad sign--don't ask, just trust me. Okay, let's say you can't spot the train wrecks by their outside appearances, you are a straight guy after all, here's the conversations to run from: any mention of ex boyfriends, admitting to being trashed or wasted. The use of the words "trashed" or "wasted." Crying. And really any conversation that she talks about just wanting to find a "nice guy." Any classy girl with any sense wants that, and to say it out loud to a stranger or acquaintance makes her needy and whiney. If you have to "fix" a girl, she is not worth your time. How did these girls get this way? I don't know for sure, but I think it's an overwhelming epidemic. Girls are reading Cosmo and Facebooking when they should be reading Vogue and thumbing through the news. Obsessively watching Twilight, instead of engaging in anything classic or timeless, and dressing down, when it wouldn't kill them to dress it up.
So let's stay you stumble upon this rare breed of woman, what does she expect from you: well, conversations should begin fun, and light. No mention of relationships, being drunk or grabbing of any body parts. Smart girls like you to have something to say, but it better incorporate us in about every other topic. Ask questions, but not too personal, and use her name in the sentence. Because let's be honest, everyone likes talking about themselves--especially women. And if you hit it off and like her--follow up. Great first dates could be dinner, drinks, or even coffee. Give her options, but don't be too vague, with, "we should hang out sometime." Pick a date and location, that is the confidence we like.
Have this confidence and don't ever settle for the girl slamming the fruity drinks, when you could totally get the girl sipping her cocktail.
Cheers,
Gin
I am a 24 year old single male currently working on my degree in Biomedical Sciences pre-med. Every time I go out to the bar, to campus, or the mall, all I see and meet, are girls that say they are classy, want a nice guy that will treat them right but then, they go and only date douche bags. Therein lies the problem the girls call them selves classy and want a nice guy but when a guy treats them right they will not date them let alone give them the time of day. That would not bother me so much if I did not have to listen to them complain about how there last three boyfriends all cheated on them and treated them like shit. I admit it may just be a college girl age thing, I know there are real women that are classy out there. I just don't understand how after you get burned you would go right back to the same type of guy and expect something different. This is not to mention the girls that really maybe crazy thinking that there perfect guy is Edward from Twilight. I am really starting to think that something is wrong with today's girls. All that would be only a minor inconvenience if: when I asked girls that I know how i could look, act, do better at dating they did not try to make me into a douche bag, I don't want to be mean or an Asshole to women; I like them and don't want to hurt something I like. I know all the old lines it's because the Assholes and douche bags have confidence and are smooth. Well guess what nice guys are smooth and confident too they just don't come up to in the bar and grab your ass or give you some cheesy line, they ask you to dance or try to have a grounded and real conversation with you.
In short, I have four questions: One, are these girls beyond hope? if not how do we/ I knock some sense into them? Two, how did girls even get this way? and how do we/ I stop it? three were are the actual classy girls that ACTUALLY want a nice guy? and four are there enough dry martinis in the world to drowned out there incessant bitching?...lol
Sincerely,
Too much crazy for one guy
Dearest Too Much for One Crazy Guy,
First you must know, that being a lady is a lost art. She is not easy to find, but I promise you--she will stand out in a crowd. There are a few rare ones out there. Don't you give the time of day to any girl, who is going to drone on and on to you about her past boyfriends. Ick. What's wrong with her??--you save those convos for your girlfriends. And yes, there are many girls that like the bad boy, grab the ass at the bar, part vampire--I don't get it. It's totally disgusting. I say stay far away from this type. Which is very hard, because these stupid whores are everywhere. Here are a few quick ways to spot said girl, and run in the opposite direction: she is wearing summer clothes in the fall/winter. This could be tube tops and mini skirts. Also, dressy prom/stripper high heels worn in bars or clubs...or anywhere. Stay away from lucite (google it). A slight shimmer on the face is fine, pounds of glitter is just plain gross. Dancing is also fine, but not booty dancing with two drinks in hand. Check out her purse, is it dirty? I know it sounds superficial, but a dirty purse is a bad sign--don't ask, just trust me. Okay, let's say you can't spot the train wrecks by their outside appearances, you are a straight guy after all, here's the conversations to run from: any mention of ex boyfriends, admitting to being trashed or wasted. The use of the words "trashed" or "wasted." Crying. And really any conversation that she talks about just wanting to find a "nice guy." Any classy girl with any sense wants that, and to say it out loud to a stranger or acquaintance makes her needy and whiney. If you have to "fix" a girl, she is not worth your time. How did these girls get this way? I don't know for sure, but I think it's an overwhelming epidemic. Girls are reading Cosmo and Facebooking when they should be reading Vogue and thumbing through the news. Obsessively watching Twilight, instead of engaging in anything classic or timeless, and dressing down, when it wouldn't kill them to dress it up.
So let's stay you stumble upon this rare breed of woman, what does she expect from you: well, conversations should begin fun, and light. No mention of relationships, being drunk or grabbing of any body parts. Smart girls like you to have something to say, but it better incorporate us in about every other topic. Ask questions, but not too personal, and use her name in the sentence. Because let's be honest, everyone likes talking about themselves--especially women. And if you hit it off and like her--follow up. Great first dates could be dinner, drinks, or even coffee. Give her options, but don't be too vague, with, "we should hang out sometime." Pick a date and location, that is the confidence we like.
Have this confidence and don't ever settle for the girl slamming the fruity drinks, when you could totally get the girl sipping her cocktail.
Cheers,
Gin
Muscle Man.
Dear Gin,
I have been mildly happily married for 7 years but find every time I see a hottie at GNC I want to jump his bones. Does this mean my marriage is over? What should I do?
Sincerely,
Desperately in Need of Good Sex
Dearest Desperately in Need of Good Sex,
Yes, the guys at GNC are usually quite attractive. In fact, Gin has been known to flirt with one... or five of them on a near daily basis, as she too loves the GNC brand water and the free vitamin chews they hand out at the counter. The guys are typically healthy, muscular and stupidly sweet. In many cases they are also too tan, and too ripped, with eye brows that have been plucked better than ours. Their purpose is to find, and quickly ring up the closest legal supplement to crack cocaine, that will give us endless energy, a euphoric high, and suppress our appetites so we can be what all women are meant to be-- thin and artificially happy. And really, where are you going to jump their bones?!? Have you seen how small a GNC store is? And usually they are quite over staffed, leaving you and the hunk with no privacy. In fact, half way through you will probably get interrupted by a meat head trying to buy one of those giant containers of powered ice cream muscle maker. I don't know what it is, but it's usually purchased by someone with back acne clearly on the 'roids. Sick.
I say, ask for a GNC t-shirt, throw it on your husband and tell him he has some serious work to do, or you will be having sex in public. At the mall. With a stranger.
Cheers,
Gin
I have been mildly happily married for 7 years but find every time I see a hottie at GNC I want to jump his bones. Does this mean my marriage is over? What should I do?
Sincerely,
Desperately in Need of Good Sex
Dearest Desperately in Need of Good Sex,
Yes, the guys at GNC are usually quite attractive. In fact, Gin has been known to flirt with one... or five of them on a near daily basis, as she too loves the GNC brand water and the free vitamin chews they hand out at the counter. The guys are typically healthy, muscular and stupidly sweet. In many cases they are also too tan, and too ripped, with eye brows that have been plucked better than ours. Their purpose is to find, and quickly ring up the closest legal supplement to crack cocaine, that will give us endless energy, a euphoric high, and suppress our appetites so we can be what all women are meant to be-- thin and artificially happy. And really, where are you going to jump their bones?!? Have you seen how small a GNC store is? And usually they are quite over staffed, leaving you and the hunk with no privacy. In fact, half way through you will probably get interrupted by a meat head trying to buy one of those giant containers of powered ice cream muscle maker. I don't know what it is, but it's usually purchased by someone with back acne clearly on the 'roids. Sick.
I say, ask for a GNC t-shirt, throw it on your husband and tell him he has some serious work to do, or you will be having sex in public. At the mall. With a stranger.
Cheers,
Gin
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Mountain Man
Dear Gin,
I recently started dating this guy, "George", who is very outdoorsy. I mean to the point where if we're not in the actual woods building a campsite, we're watching some show on the discovery channel about hillbillies make moonshine...in the woods. Don't get me wrong, I like a nice breath of fresh air on a daily basis, but it's usually in my black patent pumps to and from my car. I'm a fairly girly girl and while "George's" masculinity totally compliments that side of me, I don't know that I will ever consider fire roasted grasshoppers a fine dining entree. He's the most charming, handsome man I've ever been with and it's exciting to be with someone who's into something so different from anything I've done. As much as I feel like I'm falling for this guy, I'm terrified that he's going to turn me into some beef jerky making, mountain boot wearing, tomboy scout. How can I bring "George" into my lifestyle without making him uncomfortable and live in his world without compromising my refined femininity?
Sincerely,
Not out of the woods yet
Dearest Not Out of The Woods Yet,
First of all, I don't even really know what beef jerky is... and I think all tomboys should be stuffed into a can and thrown into the sea. Don't become that--EVER. I mean, I don't even want you to come sorta close to that. But you like the boy, and for seemingly good reasons. So now you just need a guide for yourself to know when you've crossed the line. I don't usually condone camping of any sort, but I'll compromise with you--because you mentioned being a girly girl, black patent pumps, and refined femininity. You may spend one night in the woods. But not in a tent--a high end cabin, or may I suggest a ski lodge. Both must have an indoor bathroom and beds with white fluffy down comforters. You may eat from the camp fire, but nothing you or your beau had to first kill. You know what...strike that, you may not eat around the camp fire. Sick. You can however, pour yourself a cocktail. Nothing in a beer cozee or worse yet, a red solo cup. Pack a fancy boot flask. Something jeweled or at least monogrammed. As for your attire, no flannel, no long underwear type tops, and if I see your ass in actual mud stained jeans, or anything you cut the sleeves off of--well, I'll throw you in the canister with the other misguided tomboys. I'd go with a stylish rain boot-- navy and polka dot would be my first choice. And feminine layers, like a cable knit sweater that could be tied around your shoulders. Or even vintage florals.
But darling, if you are going to put yourself through these kind of horrors, he better be meeting you more than half way! You tell him to turn off that God damn Discovery channel bull shit, and take you to dinner. And I don't mean to The Applebee's or The Chili's, and try not to look like a mountain man. While yes, it's manly to like the outdoors, with the ability to grow a full beard in a half a day--it's also pretty manly to clean yourself up, take charge and make some kick ass reservations at your lady's favorite restaurant. And if all this gets to be too much (and I think it will) tell him to take his buddy, or a golden retriever with a heart of gold... and drop you off at the spa on the way outta Dodge.
Cheers,
Gin
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