Mountain Man

Dear Gin,

I recently started dating this guy, "George", who is very outdoorsy. I mean to the point where if we're not in the actual woods building a campsite, we're watching some show on the discovery channel about hillbillies make moonshine...in the woods. Don't get me wrong, I like a nice breath of fresh air on a daily basis, but it's usually in my black patent pumps to and from my car. I'm a fairly girly girl and while "George's" masculinity totally compliments that side of me, I don't know that I will ever consider fire roasted grasshoppers a fine dining entree. He's the most charming, handsome man I've ever been with and it's exciting to be with someone who's into something so different from anything I've done. As much as I feel like I'm falling for this guy, I'm terrified that he's going to turn me into some beef jerky making, mountain boot wearing, tomboy scout. How can I bring "George" into my lifestyle without making him uncomfortable and live in his world without compromising my refined femininity?

Sincerely,

Not out of the woods yet

 

Dearest Not Out of The Woods Yet,

First of all, I don't even really know what beef jerky is... and I think all tomboys should be stuffed into a can and thrown into the sea. Don't become that--EVER. I mean, I don't even want you to come sorta close to that. But you like the boy, and for seemingly good reasons. So now you just need a guide for yourself to know when you've crossed the line. I don't usually condone camping of any sort, but I'll compromise with you--because you mentioned being a girly girl, black patent pumps, and refined femininity. You may spend one night in the woods. But not in a tent--a high end cabin, or may I suggest a ski lodge. Both must have an indoor bathroom and beds with white fluffy down comforters. You may eat from the camp fire, but nothing you or your beau had to first kill. You know what...strike that, you may not eat around the camp fire. Sick. You can however, pour yourself a cocktail. Nothing in a beer cozee or worse yet, a red solo cup. Pack a fancy boot flask. Something jeweled or at least monogrammed. As for your attire, no flannel, no long underwear type tops, and if I see your ass in actual mud stained jeans, or anything you cut the sleeves off of--well, I'll throw you in the canister with the other misguided tomboys. I'd go with a stylish rain boot-- navy and polka dot would be my first choice. And feminine layers, like a cable knit sweater that could be tied around your shoulders. Or even vintage florals.

But darling, if you are going to put yourself through these kind of horrors, he better be meeting you more than half way! You tell him to turn off that God damn Discovery channel bull shit, and take you to dinner. And I don't mean to The Applebee's or The Chili's, and try not to look like a mountain man. While yes, it's manly to like the outdoors, with the ability to grow a full beard in a half a day--it's also pretty manly to clean yourself up, take charge and make some kick ass reservations at your lady's favorite restaurant. And if all this gets to be too much (and I think it will) tell him to take his buddy, or a golden retriever with a heart of gold... and drop you off at the spa on the way outta Dodge.

 

Cheers,

Gin